Dazed and Confused

I am a relationship kind of girl. That is not to say I haven’t sewn some oats in between those relationships but I’ve never really dated. Like just out going on dates. Typically, I meet someone, we hang out and before you know it several years have passed. I have not been single for any significant amount of time since I was sixteen so when my last relationship ended, I put myself in a coupling time-out (Except for a brief rebound… Hal Tiffany). And thanks to Tinder I may never end my self-imposed hiatus.

It all started with a dating app game but in order to play you have to have an online dating profile. I chose Tinder and created my profile. The game is simple. Someone suggests a scenario and you start swiping. For instance, a challenge might be ‘who can find a pic of a white guy holding a fish in under 10 swipes?’. Or maybe it’s more of a scavenger hunt where you need to find pictures of a guy fishing, snowboarding, standing by his Jeep, American flag apparel, holding a puppy, etc. Turns out dating profiles lack any meaningful originality.

I often thought of online dating as something for a younger generation, but I’ve learned people my age are also looking for love online. Well…maybe not love.

As someone unfamiliar with the online dating world, I found out Tinder is not for the faint of heart. Maybe I should’ve chosen a different app. Is there a kinder more gentle app? Perhaps a starter edition for middle-age Gen X?

Of course, I have heard stories about the horrors of online dating but until you open your own messages it is impossible to prepare for what’s lurking on the other side. Within hours my inbox was flooded with insincere compliments (“Hi, beautiful” seems the most popular), suggestive comments, links to dick pics, emojis (mostly peaches, eggplant, and tongues) and even one, “Is that fresh lip gloss? Yummm.” The ick is real. I have to wonder how effective these tactics are for the fellas. Do many women respond to 🍆 🍑 as an introduction?

Men must have had a meeting and agreed to post basically the same pictures to their profiles, hence the game. Maybe to level the playing field? Do they all really hike, bike, and boat? Who decided the lying in bed picture would be women-attracting gold? Are there really that many men in their 50’s at the gym? I do not know but they are all “fit, active, and looking for their partner in crime.” And then there are the men who go rogue. They want to stand out, so they do not follow the agreed upon photo guidelines. No, these guys want to impress the ladies. And they think they will accomplish that by posting pics of their dicks. So. Many. Dicks. A gal could be just tapping through weird-angled selfies, poses on a cliff, a vacation picture, and then BAM! DICK! There are dicks of all shapes and sizes, in various states of arousal, shaved balls, au natural balls, even carefully trimmed landing strips (super ick), and the dreaded close up. Why guys? Just why? Part of me wants to message them and let them know pictures of their junk probably isn’t the way to win a woman’s heart but then if they stopped how could we weed out the douche bags?

And then there is the misogyny. Men, like women, state what they are looking for in a relationship. Since these guys are all “fit and active” they want a woman who is the same. “I am very active in the outdoors; you be the same.” At first blush, this seems like they are looking for someone with similar interests but no…they are trying to encourage only women with a certain body type to swipe right. I get it. Physical attraction is important but as most of my girlfriends will attest, if a man is really funny or intelligent or talented, he is instantly attractive. But these dudes have zero interest in any finding out if a woman is an accomplished musician, saving the planet, or feeding the hungry. Nope. Ladies you are nothing but tits and ass to these princes. Also, there are lots of guys posting “no drama” in their bios. Read that as submissive. He is not interested in a women’s opinions, emotions, desires, or needs. Expressing oneself is drama. Sometimes no drama is replaced with sensible, common sense, or easy-going. That guy…is still pissed his wife had the audacity to divorce him. Rarely have I seen a man post he is looking for mutual respect, vulnerability, engaging conversation, an exchange of ideas, or even use the word partner. Men are also clear they are not interested in having a “pen-pal” or being in the “friend zone.” Cool. So, you do not want to get to know me and couldn’t possibly understand why I need to feel a certain level of safety before meeting in person? Did I get that right? And the friend zone…because my friendship has so little value. Either I fuck you or you’re out.

On occasion, I have run across the profile of someone I know. That always feels a little awkward. One guy in particular was a surprise. We went to high school together, but we were not friends. He was a year ahead of me and top-tier popular. He was, and still is, incredibly good looking. I was stunned to see him on Tinder because he could easily find dates in the wild. Later I found out he hooks up with women he meets on dating apps, steals money from them, and sneaks out in the middle of the night. Charming. Then there was the guy I had always thought was a fairly good dude…until I read his Tinder profile. Everything was a lie. Even his name.

I applaud my friends who are out there trying to make a love connection happen. I do not know how they do it. I am not even looking to meet anyone and I am exhausted. There are far too many frogs and not enough princes.

When I am ready to meet someone, I think I will take my chances out in the wild.