Dazed and Confused

Back in the day, EJ and I were what I would consider friend-adjacent. Although we went to different high schools, he was good friends with some of the people I was good friends with and we socialized in the same circles. I remember EJ as being a straight-edge kid. He attended parties but didn’t drink or smoke weed. He was good looking. Maybe an athlete? He was popular and probably had a girlfriend. Like I said…friend-adjacent.

Somewhere in the 90s, EJ and I started to hang out a little, independent of our friend groups. This led nowhere very quickly. It didn’t take long or any great investigative skills to determine that, other than knowing many of the same people, EJ and I had nothing in common. Turns out he was dumb as a box of rocks, unable to carry on any semblance of a conversation, and only interested in reliving high school glory days.

It’s fine…we were young and nowhere near figuring out how to adult.

Fast forward a few decades…social media strikes again.

For the last couple of years, off and on, EJ has hit me up via FB messenger. His intent has always been clear, but I will let you be the judge.

EJ: Hi beautiful

Me: Hey there!! How’ve you been?

EJ: Hey there, doing pretty well. Are you married?

< no response from me >

EJ: Give me a call “winky face” I am in Tacoma right now.

< no response from me >

EJ: Guess you are not interested in meeting up

< no response from me >

Six weeks later…

EJ: R u married?

Me: I am divorced

EJ: Want to get together?

Me: To catch up?

EJ: Whatever, ya

< no response from me >

EJ: I apologize for bothering you

The passive-aggressive is real with this one.

The next day…

EJ: Call me

EJ: Luv to chat with ya cutie “winky face”

EJ calls and I answer. We talk on the phone for a few minutes, maybe 15. After the polite, yet brief, catching up this happens…

EJ: So, you’re divorced?

Me: Yes, for a long time now but I am currently in a long-term, live-in relationship.

EJ: Oh. Are you faithful?

Me: *laughs* Yes, yes, I am faithful.

EJ: Oh ok. Well, I should probably go I am almost at my sister’s house.

Me: *laughs* Ok, EJ. Take care.

Several months later…from a new profile…

EJ: Hi beautiful, how r u

< no response from me >

A week later…

EJ: Hey hottie “winky face”, can you meet up?

Me: Ha! Clearly a hack

EJ: You lost me

< no response from me >

< EJ calls but I don’t answer >

EJ: Hey Monica, definitely was not a hack earlier if that is what you thought

< no response from me >

Six weeks later…

EJ: Lets hit up Vegas and this is EJ

< no response from me >

< EJ calls but I don’t answer >

SEVEN MONTHS later…

EJ: Lets meet up?

Me: What?

EJ: How r u?

< polite conversation >

EJ: Hi beautiful, luv too take you out for a night of dancing “winky face”

I am pretty sure EJ was trying to have multiple conversations at once and didn’t realize we had already been chatting for several minutes. Otherwise, I have no reason as to why the additional “Hi…” was needed. Oh, and the incorrect use of to, too, and two drives me nuts. Same with your and you’re. Come on, EJ, get it together.

Me: Dancing? Last time we chatted you asked if I was faithful in my relationship. When I laughed and said yes you couldn’t get off the phone fast enough. What do you actually want?

< EJ calls but I don’t answer >

You get the idea. This is EJ’s SOP. Here is where we are in the last week…

Thursday, 11.10…from yet another new profile…

I should mention I was out of town for work Thursday through Sunday and hanging out in the hotel room in the evenings was boring so I entertained EJ’s nonsense more than I normally would; however, I am glad I did.

EJ: How r u

Friday, 11.11…

Me: Good. Thanks. And you?

EJ: Good too, thank you. Would like too invite you over this Sunday for a few drinks

Me: I’m confused. Why?

< Yes, I was intentionally obtuse. >

EJ: Hangout, is it that big of a deal to ask? Lol!

Me: No. Not really it just seems out of the blue.

EJ: Well, r u interested or not? We are grownups, Lol

Me: LOL!! You’re right. We are grownups. So then tell me why you wanted to know if I was faithful in my relationship? Are you just hoping to get laid? You can be honest. I’m not easily offended.

EJ: I know you and you know me, I think we have fun together and get along and of course I would not turn away from a little cuddling “winky face” lol

Annnnd…here we go.

I explained to EJ that I was out of town for work and would not be stopping by on Sunday for drinks. He offered to meet me where I was, which happened to be in a neighboring state. Before I could answer, my phone rang. This time I answered.

Our conversation wasn’t terrible. We caught up on life, jobs, kids, etc. We do have a friend who was special to both of us pass away recently, so it was nice to reminisce about him and share some stories. Turns out EJ adopted our friend’s dog when his wife couldn’t care for her anymore. I was really touched by that and thought it was sweet. I considered maybe my instincts about EJ had been wrong this whole time. Maybe he’s just a nice guy and I was inferring something he wasn’t implying.

EJ told me he’s a runner now and had registered for several upcoming races. One of those races will be in Las Vegas. I made the mistake of saying, “Oh I love Vegas!” EJ took this as an opportunity to invite me. Is he just a nice guy? I don’t really know at this point, but I do know better than to agree to go to a secondary location with a stranger.

Because I was raised to always be polite and never hurt anyone’s feelings, my response was super vague. This bullshit has gotten me in trouble more times than I can count. I have a long history of obligating myself to things I really do not want to do all because I don’t want to offend anyone or bruise an ego. The number of PartyLite gatherings I have attended and volume of crap I have purchased is embarrassing.

Overall, I didn’t feel weirded out by the phone call. I decided I had to consider that maybe EJ isn’t a great communicator and it was possible we could end up great friends if only I didn’t go around making assumptions.

Sunday morning rolls around and EJ messages me about coming over for drinks when I get back in town. I explained I was already exhausted from a long weekend of work, wouldn’t be back until late, and was going to have an early start Monday morning. There would be no Sunday evening plans.

EJ responded…

EJ: Come over tonight for a drink and a massage

Oh for fuck’s sake! I didn’t respond until Monday morning.

Monday, 11.14…

Me: There will be no massages.

EJ: Dang you are very reserved lol “frowny face”

Me: Or maybe I’m just not interested in casual hook ups. And everyone knows what massages lead to.

EJ: I don’t know, lol

Me: I do know. I’m not 20 years old. Casual hook ups aren’t my thing.

EJ: I definitely disagree about the casual thing its way more acceptable in the fifties than the twenties.

Is it though, EJ? I’m going to need you to cite your source.

EJ: My birthday is tomorrow, lets get those Vegas tickets

I really don’t know what his birthday has to do with anything but ok.

I take this opportunity to recommend EJ go ahead and book whatever he needs to for his race in Vegas. He should definitely not wait for me. Because I had decided to consider a friendship with him, I suggested we hang out a bit before I commit to going to his race. We should find out if we are the type of friends who can travel together. We should find out if the adult versions of us are cut out to be friends. If so, I will absolutely go to Vegas and cheer him on…as a friend. He responded by telling me it is no big deal if I want to get my own room. Oh, bless your heart…are you not tracking or are you intentionally not acknowledging what I am trying to convey?

To make certain he understood me, I further clarified with…

Me: I want to make sure we are on the same page. You and I have a history of hooking up and I’m not about that life. If you are cool with that then I am 100% down to be friends.

To which EJ replied…

EJ: We have never hooked up, lol, honestly. Please take a deep breath and relax you are making me anxious.

RELAX?? Do not ever tell me to relax!! Take a deep breath? I am making YOU anxious? How about you eat a giant bag of dicks, EJ?

EJ calls. I do not answer the phone, but I do respond…

Me: Ok. Cool. No problem then.

EJ: No problem

Did this little fucker just try to gaslight me? He isn’t hearing what he wants so now I am crazy and making up scenarios that never actually took place? No. Just no.

I ignore his advances over and over and then he won’t take a clear no for an answer. Hmmm…makes me nervous that there may be other situations in which he won’t take no for an answer because he is an entitled, privileged white boy who is used to getting what he wants.

I make it clear there will be no massages in our future, and he attempts to make me feel some type of way by calling me reserved. The younger version of me would have felt guilty or uncool or whatever and given in to this type of pressure from a popular, good-looking boy. In other words, sexual coercion.

I set clear boundaries and he suggests I am crazy. I am to blame in this scenario. I am the problem. Not him. Not his behavior. This is the type of misogynistic bullshit that perpetuates rape culture, sexual harassment, slut-shaming, and gender-discrimination.

Sometimes being a straight woman makes me sad. Shit like this is how I ended up on the lesbian side of TikTok…if you know, you know.

I see you, EJ. Do better. Be better. So, today, in honor of your 53^rd birthday, this post is for you. Enjoy, fucker!